Where have I disappeared?

Every time I sit down, my thoughts seem to find no other road. A torch to lead the way is there, but its light is too weak. My mind speaks out, shuts out the noise. But it is ever there, present like the sound of the sky. Save me, I scream. I don't care. But its just hard. Not for me. But for the thing itself. Painting a picture with no colours, my life is now a joke. Its vibrant nature quelled by things too worrisome, I call out to my very own cocoon. I have jumped inside my box, nailed myself in. A little hole left to swipe at imaginary insects wanting to keep me company. No fireflies, moths maybe. My quests have merged into one, that which beats my brain. I have become a bubble, bursting at the slightest touch. My throat indicates fever, hopefully a sign of something on its way. I have prayed my prayers, kept my promises, done my duties. I am tired, leave me alone. Give me back my sanity. Give me my life. Kill me. I never wanted to be someone else so bad. I want to be 5 again. I want to play my old stupid games. Where I didn't have a care in the world. Where I was free. Where I had myself for comfort. I had trees around me. I had dirty shoes. I had happiness.

Why bus travel makes me jump with joy

Waiting for a bus seems a harmless enough thing to do. I just have to simply ignore the men looking me up and down, sizing my body up. Visually raping me just because I have something that they don't. Oh, but of course I can't say anything. Because I'm public property after all. It gets worse when I step into the bus. Men brushing against me casually as if their birth right. The funny thing is though the bus has an equal number of men and women, the women don't fall onto the women or the wolves nor do the men fall onto the other men. It's as if we are all a magnet for testosterone. I'm not even that pretty for anyone to give me more than three seconds worth,but it's simply that I'm different in subtle ways.The conductor takes forever to hand over the change resting his hands for however long he pleases.
Then there are things which are so simple but hold the same levels of irritation. I'm not asking that the honourable species who rest their asses to behave like gentlemen and give up their seats for the minority clan. But hell, even though 33% reservation hasn't been fully carried out in buses, 4 seats are reserved for us. You aren't worthy enough to sit there and when I tell you to get up, I don't expect you to look me in the eye and talk like a smart ass. I don't care if you've slogged the whole day. A lot of us have too and its nice to claim the little of the territory that belongs to us. But hey, I'm following the rules. So I must be put behind bars. Frankly, my voice has faded. All I want to do is to castrate you and feed you to the street dogs. Because this land is forbidden. But of course you can't understand that. The logic is too complicated to feed into your pea-sized brain.
I don't want to hear an irritating tune being hummed from your whiskey covered lips, that too when you sit and I'm holding on to dear life. You must at least have the fucking courtesy to get up when a pregnant woman or a grand mother stands near you, instead of pointedly staring at your phone and showing off your worthless ring tones. You shouldn't expect us to ask it, because you're not the bloody king.
Maybe, just maybe if I cover myself up totally, roll myself on excrement and get onto a bus, I could repel the blue bloods. But it's a big maybe. Well, anyway I'm treated like shit, so I thought this would help. Excuses. For being like this. It's not my fault I was born a women, but hey, I didn't ask to make it your business either.
I accept I'm cowardly to not stand up and fight for my voice to be heard. But when I do,you shout me down and no one comes to continue the thread and you're a man after all. And apart from the insults, I'm also given advice. I'm supposedly too forward and too outgoing to make comments like this in public. So I'm asked to shut up and behave a "woman". Whatever the hell that means.
These incidents have at least made me realize the meaning of the expression "be a man". Yes loser, because its so humiliating to be a woman. Its one of the worst insults you can hand out to a man. Because only his manliness makes up his personality. Just like being fair and voluptuous and having smooth skin makes up a woman. Forget about character and other things that old men talked about. Totally not important. I'm truly sorry if I've ever used it in the past.

So to all of you suckers out there, please get a life and don't forget to get lost.

Highly Viscous

A glimpse of whatever can resemble a liquid's state
A reflection turns into a shadow
Smiling at me from the other side of the gears,
Inquiring about mundane answers posing as questions
The mind probes into raw data
Turning over and over, the rush of memories
Whys and hows fixing me with a witch's glare
Confusion I see, everywhere
I have to face the crowd's judgment,
revving up seemingly angry but all smiles within
After all I'm bargaining for his life as my own for:
we're very different yet so similar as the waves in an ocean

The bearings of my life have got nothing to say
I'll wait a million eternities just to see you again
I may not be deserving of you now, but
give me a few seconds out of the eons that He grants
I will build on whatever I see fit
Walking everywhere, all I see is you
Just as you came up to me before we parted ways

Heads we win, tails we still win
Tortured by geography, yet on the same brown plain
Fixed by destiny, we'll meet someday
My nameless prince, my very own, the drive in my life