She daydreamed a lot these days. And she was carrying his baby. He treated her like a queen. But all she wanted was to be with her elder brother. She was also confused most of the time. Sporting an angelic smile, she stopped her mother and asked her lots of questions. But her mother seemed to have no time. And her father was always behind the newspaper. Whom should she ask? All her friends were busy and they never stopped to see her. Somehow, she didn’t find that odd. She suddenly cried out “Mani Anna!” and broke down completely. Her mother filled up a tumbler of water and tried forcing it down her throat. But it tasted very salty and made her want to vomit. She made retching sounds to make her mother understand. But no sound came out and the water was now in her tummy. Oh! How big it had become. So many gifts and bangles. But she had never liked bangles. They reminded her of handcuffs. Jail!
Her mind was starting to wander. Rusty bars, people in white and always shouting. She never understood them. She had a friend there, the fat jolly inspector. But her brother had said that he didn’t like her talking to him. So, she never even said a hello to him when she met him on the streets. She had wanted to ask her brother why, but she kept forgetting.
She suddenly felt the salt and the bile rising in her throat, and ran outside to the backyard. Fields and mountains burst around her and for a moment she felt unsteady. She wanted to hug someone badly and so went to the closest thing she could find, a neem tree. She kissed the lowest branch she could reach and felt a sense of peace. By now, her mother had come out screaming. So she ran, as fast she could with the baby, inside her room and bolted it. She just wanted to be alone! At times like these, just staring at the door made her feel good. She heard thuds and threats but didn’t care.
It was almost 6 o’clock now: her brother would be home any minute. She got up, tidied her dress, combed her hair neatly and opened the window facing the street. She saw a lot of kids playing in the mud. She looked absently at them and wished she was there with them. She suddenly saw him coming and she wanted to shout in happiness. She ran outside and hugged him. He had a frown on his face and all he said was “Get inside.”. She didn’t care and clung onto him. He carried her inside and sat her down. He took some snacks from the kitchen, gave her some and gorged down the rest.
“Anna how was your day?”
“It was good. Little less work than usual.”
“Did you bring anything for me?”
“No ma, I didn’t have any money with me.”
“That’s alright Anna, you want some water?”
“In some time. Where’s Chandran?”
At this point, she got up and said “OK, I’m going to eat something. I’m very hungry.” and smiled at him.
“OK.”
It was almost 2 hours later when Chandran came home. He went into their room.
“Lakshmi, what did you do today?”
“Huh? Why are you asking?”
“I want to know.”
“It was the usual. I befriended the neem today.”
“OK. Can I hug you?”
“No. I’m tired and I want to sleep. Good night.”
4 hours later, she was fast asleep, drooling a little on the pillow. He was up, staring at the moon. The night came down upon him and laughed at him. “How have you still not killed yourself?” it seemed to ask. He had no answer. With what madness he had taken her that night, with the same moon as his witness. With the same fury, she had detached herself from life. She was the angel of the village, the gang leader of the brats, the one who was going to study a lot and change their village into a town. Not anymore, he had taken care of that. The village elders decided what was to be done. She spit on the ground. She wanted to slap him, but didn’t want to touch him. Her parents accepted the whole situation with a calmness she couldn’t comprehend. Her brother spoke for her. It lead to more fights, more tears. She searched for an apology from the universe, a reason as to why it should have happened to her. There was utter silence. Ceremonies happened. Life ran its course on them and gave up on her. He was willing to fight her battles, but she never let him. At some point, she started living her life backwards, becoming more like the child now inside her.
Desire. That was what had burned her life before his eyes. His punishment was to see her like that. They were in two different worlds which had no intersections. He knew that he couldn’t change things, and he didn’t deserve to. All he wanted was the power to obliterate things and events. He was a faceless stranger to her and she brought out a strange phobia of mirrors in him. It was the last thing he thought of before he slept every night.
